As the parent of a child with ASD, you experience the love and connection with your child in ways that are different, but are no less important and valuable. By learning techniques that suit your child’s needs, you are helping them to reach their full potential and giving yourself the opportunity to experience that emotional connection.

There are countless books on parenting, but nothing fully prepares you to be the parent of YOUR child. Every child is different, every situation is different, and every day can be different than the last. For parents of children with special needs, this is surely the case. There is no manual for how to handle meltdowns, rage episodes, and aggressive behavior and there is no clear cut answer to how you should FEEL about your children during these times of struggle.

After years of rages and fighting, Lori Hetzel’s adopted daughter’s behavior, diagnosed as Reactive Attachment Disorder, turns in a dangerous direction, leading the family to consider options for her care they have never wanted to consider until now. Nadya’s extreme emotionality, aggressive reactivity, and unpredictability has left the family with no good, safe options for keeping her at home.

Parents may often find themselves resorting to ultimatums, threats of punishment, removing privileges, or simply throwing up their hands when their child with special needs is having a meltdown and exhibits demanding or irrational behavior. Before exercising rigid authority, which often worsens challenging behavior, parents can instead use personal coping strategies to help themselves stay centered and focused so they remain calm in the face of conflict and, in turn, help their child become more calm as well.

Sometimes, children with special needs exhibit behaviors that seem random and are difficult to understand, leaving parents with the difficult task of figuring out what they mean and how to respond. In these situations, a set of tools known as Functional Behavioral Assessment (FBA) can help. Many parents have not heard of FBA, but counselors and therapists use this approach to systematically gather specific data about behaviors and decide on the appropriate intervention. FBA strategies can also be used in the home by parents struggling to understand specific behavior problems—and how to address them.